I've been talking about it all along, the premonition that I would be dead at a specific age, verified a multitude of ways a multitude of times including the one that specified The Date. 9/27/2024. I've officially entered my last year of life.
Knowing all along I could be wrong, so maybe not blow my savings just in case, all hundreds of dollars. Low hundreds.
But I'm probably not wrong and so what are my necessary goals this final year? I've none.
No requisite parachute dive, no visiting the Pyramids. I will not run a marathon. Or run.
Though there were a few things I did want to do once upon a time. Ride my bike on the freeway during rush hour traffic when I'd be the only thing moving. Walk around naked in public, which I've avoided not out of concern for my exposed genitals but for the flab gathered around my mid section. Be the live breaking news, a police chase, again me on my bike, being able to navigate space they cannot and ultimately prevailing even with the helicopter hovering. Lots of bike fantasies. There are stretches of ride that are admittedly not engaging so the mind wanders. For years I entertained myself on those stretches with emotive lines from Charlton Heston movies. You can kill miles with that one.
Come to think of it, I can combine the freeway ride and the police chase. Duh.
In the end the life I have is the life that is. If I wanted to experience something so badly I would have. Sure, there are things I would REALLY LIKE to do, mostly at this point in the game my exit plan. I want to live long enough to drive away. And there lingers a sense of unfinishedness, tasks mostly, paintings.
I think I've not driven away because I am waiting to see if I die. This is the gamble. I wait until until I know I won't be dead 5 minutes after I leave and I am. But I'm also seduced by the idea - the one that never actually happens so misguided fantasy, really - that everything up in the air right now magically convenes and resolves into a bow-wrapped package that allows a tidy exit. Meaning, sort of, there is a possibility the death may be spiritual or some other symbolic demise.
So we wait and see, now.
